Shane: Aaargh! Fuck you, fuck your mom in the ass with a screwdriver.

Silas: I get it. If I get shot in my jerk-off arm, I would be mad too.

Andy: If you don't cum, the terrorists win.
Audra: We can't have that.

Andy: I know all the best rehab centers. I'm totally addicted to that show Intervention.

Nancy: If you come anywhere near my children, I'll kill you myself.

Nancy [asking Andy to suck her nipple]: Be the baby!

Nancy: Why is the bed moving?
Andy: There must be an earthquake.
Nancy: Are you jerking off?!?

Dean: My rate is five hundred dollars an hour
Doug: Wooo... that better include a rim job

Pilar: Do you know why I've never had children?
Nancy: Because you'd eat them and children are super fattening?

Shane: Why don't you sell something people want.
Celia: Like what?
Shane: Like drugs.

Shane: You stuck your penis inside my mother at least once.
Nancy: Ok, then. Good night, Shane. Go upstairs.

Silas: So, you're the mayor of Mexico or something?
Esteban: Or something, yes.

Weeds